Golden years: a blog about the elderly

"They cannot repay you"

7/10/2020

Then He also said to him who invited Him, “When you give a dinner or a supper, do not ask your friends, your brothers, your relatives, nor rich neighbors, lest they also invite you back, and you be repaid. But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you; for you shall be repaid at the resurrection of the just.” (Jesus, quoted in Luke 14:12-14)

I’ve been thinking a lot about volunteerism lately, and about all the people I know who put their time, energy and money into good causes. Surely such efforts are earning heavenly rewards for them all -- or at least for those who’ll be there because they repented of their sin and trusted the Lord Jesus to have paid its penalty on the cross.

But the other day, the passage above jumped out at me. Apparently in charity, as in everything else, our motivations are of supreme importance to God. As He told the prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 16:7b), “The Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

So it seems that not all charitable deeds are created equal, at least as far as the Lord is concerned. Does this not suggest that we should weigh our motivations when we consider giving away our time, labor or money? That we should seek out service opportunities where there’s literally nothing in it for us?

That can’t mean we should not enjoy our service; “the Lord loves a cheerful giver,” after all (2 Corinthians 9:7). But I do think it means that the most valuable service is what we can do for those who offer us nothing in return – those without resources, those who can’t introduce us to valuable business contacts, those who do not offer us “first dibs” access to things we value, those who won’t make us look good in the eyes of people we admire.

So by all means, let’s all freely give of our time, energy and fortune. But as we evaluate the wide world of volunteer opportunities, let’s not forget to factor our motivations into the equation – and perhaps focus on those that offer us no apparent payback. Because they’re sure to be the ones with the greatest need.

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A half-century that's best forgotten

6/17/2020

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"Hippie is more than a way of dressing. it's a spirit which fills young people."
- Yves Saint Laurent, July 1978

When I was a kid growing up in small-town Green Bay, Wisconsin, the Odd Fellows Home was the only long-term care (LTC) facility around. We did know one woman who spent her final months there, a widowed friend of my mom’s named Sadie who’d spent her adult life cleaning other people’s houses and taking care of other people’s children. But she was the only one; all the other old people we knew lived with their children and grandchildren.

That’s just the way it was: families took care of their own in those days. But that was then and this is now, and somewhere along the line everything changed.

Today, the elderly are little more than a liability to many of today’s young people – perhaps most. Even when we’re talking about our own old age, we see ourselves as little more than potential millstones: I don’t want to be a burden to my children, we say. They have their lives to live, after all. Oh, sure, when I was able to help out with babysitting or cooking, that was one thing, but now I’d just be in the way.

So what happened?

You don’t have to be Hercules Poirot to figure it out. Clearly, the rebellion-crazed, lust-filled, pleasure-seeking "Love Generation" that came of age in the ‘60s changed the heart of this nation.

We thought we knew everything, we baby boomers. Most important, we knew not to trust anyone over 30. After all, older folks just wanted to ruin our good time. Their greed had landed themselves in joyless gray existences in which men were slaves to capitalist corruption and women were slaves to men. And they were all jealous of us; they wanted us to be as miserable as they really were, beneath those facades of contentment and purpose.

But that's a secular assessment. I think something much more insidious and evil took root in the ‘60s. I think that was when Satan himself finally succeeded in trashing the 5th commandment: Honor your father and your mother.

It’s the first of the commandments governing our relationships with each other rather than God, and should therefore be considered rather important. And yet for some reason, my generation decided to jettison it.

Honor our fathers and mothers? You’ve got to be kidding! We won’t even trust anyone over 30, let alone honor them!

Hear the hiss?

Way too many of us bought it, hook, line and sinker, and our parents paid the price. And soon enough we will, too.

One of the many ironies is that we felt guilty about what we had done – after all, God has written His law on our hearts, so that deep down we knew it was wrong to turn our backs on the elderly. We felt so guilty, in fact, that we put into power people who delight in slapping useless regulations on the facilities we put our parents in. And those regulations are so costly that they’ve caused a cascade of financial problems that will ultimately threaten the very existence of even the finest LTC facilities.

Fortunately, it’s not too late for many of us. We can choose to take our parents into our own homes as they become unable to care for themselves. Or, if that’s impossible, we can do whatever it takes to find the very best facilities, where their bodies, minds and spirits will receive even more attention than we could possibly give them. And we can then make spending time with them a top priority in our lives.

We can’t turn the clock back to the 1950s. But we can at least live as if the last half century never happened.

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A wonderful prayer for folks of any age

6/5/2020

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The following prayer was supposedly written by an aging 17th century nun, although I find that attribution a little hard to believe. Still, these are wonderful thoughts to ride into old age, where it can be harder than ever to make and keep good friends.

Lord, thou knowest better than I know myself that I am old and growing older.

Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion.

Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs.

Make me thoughtful but not moody, helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest, Lord, that I want a few friends at the end.

Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.

Seal my lips on my aches and pains. They are increasing and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by.

I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of other's aches and pains, but help me to endure them with patience.

I dare not ask for improved memory, but rather I ask for a growing humility and a lessening cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others.

Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.

Keep me reasonably sweet. A sour old person is one of the crowning works of the Devil.

Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places and talents in unexpected people. And, give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so.

I ask these things in Jesus’ name. Amen!

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Silver linings

5/28/2020

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For all but the perennially unhappy among us, aging offers each of us some truly sparkling silver linings. The specifics no doubt depend upon your unique circumstances. But allow me to share some of my personal favorites—perhaps you’ll be inspired to start or expand your own list.

So here goes. The older I get:

The less my lack of coordination matters. In grade school, I was always last pick for baseball teams, even when my supremely athletic best friends were the designated captains; couldn’t hit the ball, you see, in spite of all the hours my beloved daddy spent trying to teach me. I finally left the shame permanently behind at age 50, realizing that I would never again be asked to wield a bat.
The more I enjoy rereading favorite old books. When it comes to pleasure-filled reading, there are advantages to being forgetful. For instance, I can now read an Agatha Christie mystery for the second or third time and be every bit as surprised by whodunit as I was the first time through.
The less I worry about my appearance. Whereas looking “cute” or “attractive” or “thin” was once a top priority in my life, these days looking “clean” is good enough.
The fewer unpleasant or difficult things populate my To Do list. For example, a few years ago, I awoke to the fact that I’ll never again have to make a speech, squeeze into a swimsuit, or interview a gaggle of radiologists about the clinical implications of some great new cardiac CT software.
The less worried I am about concealing my politically incorrect opinions. For us senior citizens, there's no longer any need to get into a good school or land a plum job, so why hold back? (Of course, if we continue marching down the road to tyranny, I may one day be arrested for thought crimes; but “life in prison” isn’t quite the threat it would have been a few decades ago.)

And for the born-again Christian, the advantages of advancing age are positively overwhelming.

For one thing, there’s no longer much sting associated with evangelistic rejection. In fact, every year it becomes easier to share my faith with an unbeliever. Perhaps he thinks I’m nuts for believing in a literal Genesis and Jonah, or incredibly narrow-minded for insisting that there’s only one route to heaven. And maybe she’s self-righteously offended that I have forced my “religion” on a person as good as she is. That’s okay with me; just so they somehow retain these seeds of truth until the Lord succeeds in breaking their stubborn hearts to make way for the gospel.

Even more important, old age means never having to say you’re worried—not even about the most highly touted disease du jour. For born-again believers in Jesus Christ, the sky is never falling; a heavenly forever awaits each of us at journey’s end.

And that's the most precious silver lining of all.

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Attention, bibliophiles!

5/19/2020

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Looking for a way to make yourself useful once the COVID 19 crisis is behind us and life has returned to normal, even in our nation's nursing homes?

If you love both books and old folks, there's an easy solution: volunteering to be a mobile librarian at a nearby long-term-care and rehab facility.

All you need is the blessing of the facility’s Activities Director, a spare utility cart, a collection of good books and magazines, and a little free time every week or two. You can then make the rounds, inviting each resident you meet to take advantage of your offerings.

If I were doing this (and I would dearly love to, if I only had a little more spare time), I’d keep records of who took what. I’d then update those records between residents, noting for future reference the kinds of reading material each one prefers. I think it would really please a "customer" to find, on my next visit, selections chosen especially for him or her.

“I know you’re interested in World War II, Mr. Bender,” I might say to the veteran in 247, “so I picked out a few titles that I thought you’d enjoy especially. Let’s take a look.”

And to the charming woman in the next room: “You said you like everything about Danielle Steel but the explicit parts. Would you like to give this Kathleen Thompson Norris novel a try? It was written 90 years ago, so you won’t find any offensive parts to skip over, and I think you’ll love the story.”

Where to find the reading material?

Your facility may already have a library to tap. The nursing home where I hang out has one that’s nicely stocked with everything from classics to current best-sellers, some in the large print editions that old eyes covet. But even if yours does not, how about raiding your own bookshelves, and those of your friends and family? Checking out the selection available at thrift stores such as Good Will, Salvation Army and St. Vincent de Paul? And asking used bookstores to give you a crack at material they’re about to toss out?

You can also ask your local library for suggestions. Many library systems hold periodic sales to make room for new reading material, for instance – a great way to build a personal library on the cheap. You might even consider taking special orders from some residents, using your own library card (or theirs, if possible) to pick up just the books they’re looking for.

What a great way to be a blessing to people who may have a little bit too much time on their hands – and in the process, to make some wonderful new friends who share your taste in books or magazines, and who might open up new vistas for your own literary adventures.

If the idea intrigues you, get in touch with an Activities Director soon. Once you’re rolling, I think it’s safe to say that a good time will be had by all!

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Wisdom for the aged

5/5/2020

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Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

This is one of my favorite passages in the whole Bible. It’s transformational and transcendent, and it reminds me daily that, no matter how hopeless today’s problems may seem, those of us who belong to Jesus Christ needn’t worry; after all, this world is not our home.

Having instant access to such divine wisdom is one of the most wonderful things about being a born-again Christian steeped in the word of God. I’ve written often about the difference that word makes in troubled lives, particularly for those living in nursing homes. But today I'd like to revisit a memoir that really magnifies this truth.

The book is Corrie ten Boom’s The Hiding Place (Chosen Books, 1971), the story of a family of Christians who, during World War II, risked everything to hide Jews in their home near Amsterdam – and were inevitably caught by the murderous Nazis. The Hiding Place had been sitting on my Must Read stack for years before making it to the top of the pile (and the top of my Favorite Books list) thanks to a lovely Christian book club I was privileged to belong to.

One of my favorite passages appears on pages 194 and 195 in Bantam’s 1974 edition. Here, Corrie wrote about her ministry to women sharing a barracks in the Ravensbruck concentration camp where she and her sister Betsie were imprisoned for their crimes. Corrie had miraculously smuggled a Bible into their quarters, and a nasty flea infestation kept the squeamish Nazi officers from interfering with their times of fellowship and worship.

Here’s how she described it:

“As for us, from morning until lights-out, whenever we were not in ranks for roll call, our Bible was the center of an ever-widening circle of help and hope. Like waifs clustered around a blazing fire, we gathered about it, holding out our hearts to its warmth and light. The blacker the night around us grew, the brighter and truer and more beautiful burned the word of God. ‘Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? . . . Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.’

“I would look about us as Betsie read, watching the light leap from face to face. More than conquerors . . . It was not a wish. It was a fact. We knew it, we experienced it minute by minute – poor, hated, hungry. We are more than conquerors. Not ‘we shall be.’ We are! Life in Ravensbruck took place on two separate levels, mutually impossible. One, the observable, external life, grew every day more horrible. The other, the life we lived with God, grew daily better, truth upon truth, glory upon glory.”

I believe the Lord uses all our experiences – including the misery, pain, fear and hopelessness suffered by those locked away in prisons of all kinds – to draw us to Himself, to help us to understand that “things that are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” If you’d like a page-turning reminder of this truth, and you haven’t yet read it, I hope you’ll dive into The Hiding Place just as soon as possible. Then please, once long-term care facilities have re-opened to visitors, consider sharing what you've learned with someone who calls such a residence "home."

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The Alzheimer's epidemic: an update

4/29/2020

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If the numbers can be trusted -- and I take nothing for granted anymore, but they're all we have to work with -- Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia are on a pathway to destroying us all.

Consider just a few of the most recent statistics:

Alzheimer's disease is the 6th leading cause of death in the U.S., killing more people than breast and prostate cancer combined.
Between 2000 and 2018, deaths from Alzheimer's rose by 146%, while deaths from heart disease decreased by 7.8%.
One in three seniors dies with (although apparently not necessarily from) one form of dementia or another.
Today, more than 5 million Americans are living with Alzheimer's; by 2050, the experts expect the number to rise to as many as 14 million.
By 2050, Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia are predicted to cost the U.S. up to $1.1 trillion per year.

Yet just 50 years ago, this disease (along with others related to the brain) was almost unknown. What's going on?

In some cases, the disease can be genetic. (So much for evolutionary improvements due to positive, additive genetic changes. How can anyone be deluded enough to believe in evolution?) But otherwise, the experts appear to be stumped.

Could it be environmental? Aluminum has apparently been ruled out as a cause, but could it be something else that we're willingly ingesting? Could it be related to vaccines?

Until questions like these are answered, and Alzheimer's is on the wane, let's hope that our leaders are making plans for caring for the victims of this nasty disease. And let's hope that words like "euthanasia" and "Thailand" are nowhere to be found in their proposals.

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God's timing

4/22/2020

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I see so much long-term suffering at the nursing home where I normally hang out -- from the pains of old age to the sorrow of losing loved ones to the heartache caused by neglectful children.

Not surprisingly, the Lord makes all the difference in these lives: Those who are His bear up well under sometimes crippling physical pain or devastating losses -- often with joy, even without the "help" of psych medications. Those who are not His, and are not interested in anything about Him, do not.

I was reminded of the difference He makes when I stumbled across some writings I'd saved from the wonderful old devotional Streams in the Desert. I am sure that the contentment of those who belong to Jesus can be attributed to their understanding of the precious truths highlighted in essays such as this:

"And when forty years were expired, there appeared to him in the wilderness of Mount Sinai an angel of the Lord in a flame of fire in a bush…saying…I have seen the affliction of my people which is in Egypt, and I have heard their groaning, and am come down to deliver them. And now come, I will send thee into Egypt" (Acts 7:30, 32, 34).

"That was a long wait in preparation for a great mission. When God delays, He is not inactive. He is getting ready His instruments, He is ripening our powers; and at the appointed moment we shall arise equal to our task. Even Jesus of Nazareth was thirty years in privacy, growing in wisdom before He began His work. --Dr. Jowett

"God is never in a hurry but spends years with those He expects to greatly use. He never thinks the days of preparation too long or too dull.

"The hardest ingredient in suffering is often time. A short, sharp pang is easily borne, but when a sorrow drags its weary way through long, monotonous years, and day after day returns with the same dull routine of hopeless agony, the heart loses its strength, and without the grace of God, is sure to sink into the very sullenness of despair.

"Joseph's was a long trial, and God often has to burn His lessons into the depths of our being by the fires of protracted pain. 'He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver,' but He knows how long, and like a true goldsmith He stops the fires the moment He sees His image in the glowing metal.

"We may not see now the outcome of the beautiful plan which God is hiding in the shadow of His hand; it yet may be long concealed; but faith may be sure that He is sitting on the throne, calmly waiting the hour when, with adoring rapture, we shall say, 'All things have worked together for good.'

"Like Joseph, let us be more careful to learn all the lessons in the school of sorrow than we are anxious for the hour of deliverance. There is a 'need-be' for every lesson, and when we are ready, our deliverance will surely come, and we shall find that we could not have stood in our place of higher service without the very things that were taught us in the ordeal.

"God is educating us for the future, for higher service and nobler blessings; and if we have the qualities that fit us for a throne, nothing can keep us from it when God's time has come. Don't steal tomorrow out of God's hands. Give God time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never too late; learn to wait." -- Selected

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Good questions for a prospective nursing home

4/14/2020

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If you’re searching for a skilled nursing facility (SNF) for a loved one, you undoubtedly have at the ready a list of questions covering everything from costs to quality control, from bathing schedule to activities. But here are some additional subjects you might want to explore with each admissions director you interview; the answers could save you both confusion and frustration down the road.

1. What’s your overarching goal in caring for my loved one?

Personally, I’d like to hear that the home under consideration has, as its top priority, ensuring my loved one of a comfortable, safe, loving and stimulating environment for the rest of his or her life.

And I’d like to know how this place demonstrates it. For example, does its Activities staff go to great lengths to keep residents’ creative juices flowing? Does Dietary bend over backwards to tempt even fussy eaters? Does the Physical Therapy team specialize in my loved one’s problems?

In short, ask the admission director what’s extraordinary about his or her facility, and how that might impact your loved one.

2. What exactly can you do for us?

It never hurts to ask an admissions director to spell out the advantages this facility offers residents.

You might ask him or her what they tell government inspectors about their capabilities – and to translate this language into plain English to communicate what it means to your loved one.

For example, how many clinical staff hours does each resident receives per day? What is this home’s track record on minimizing falls or choking events, or hastening the diagnosis and treatment of UTIs? Then the clincher: what steps are being taken to further improve this facility's performance in each of these areas?

This is the kind of detail that can reveal a great deal about how much a particular SNF team cares about its residents.

3. What can’t you do?

Some residents' families assume that their loved ones will remain under 24-hour-a-day observation in a skilled nursing facility. Then, when something bad happens beyond the staff’s field of view, thoughts of neglect or abuse leap to their minds.

What’s more, some families blame the SNF for things that are totally out of any facility’s control – especially when the government has tied its hands. In Wisconsin, for instance, bed rails cannot be provided until a resident has actually fallen out of bed and hurt himself. The reason: it smacks of restraint.

Such restrictions mean that occasional falls are almost inevitable in even the finest nursing homes. Don’t let your expectations get out of whack. Instead, determine up front what the rules are, and what this particular facility is doing to keep its residents safe and sound in spite of the most confounding restrictions.

4. Are you trying to rip us off?

Many people feel like they’re being ripped off by nursing homes–and indeed, it may seem like they’re all in cahoots, charging similarly exorbitant fees.

Why not discuss the financial nitty gritty up front? Find out what private, round-the-clock care would cost in your home, and compare those numbers with each prospective nursing home's. You may be surprised to find out just how cost-effective a nursing home can be; it's all relative, after all.

Then ask each admissions director what hidden extras you'd be getting for your buck. For instance, what kind of investment does this SNF make in continuous staff training each year? In keeping the place spotless? In maintaining a warm and inviting environment? In keeping up with ever-evolving regulations?

And then how about exploring the financial realities of nursing-home P&L? Specifically, what proportion of a private-pay resident’s “rent” goes to subsidize someone who can’t pay his or her own way? Whichever side of this equation you’re on at the moment, you’re likely to be pleasantly surprised to learn that your loved one will continue to receive quality care even if he or she runs out of money. But beware: not all facilities offer this distinct advantage.

5. If we have a complaint, what do we do?

If your loved one is in a home for any length of time, issues will undoubtedly arise. So ask what you should do if you have concerns or complaints. Whose job is it to advocate and intervene for your family? And if that doesn’t work, what’s your next step?

What am I forgetting?

If you have other less-obvious questions that should be asked before signing a loved one up for SNF living, please drop me a note. I'll then begin compiling Good Questions, Part 2.

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Your heavenly welcoming committee

4/9/2020

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“And I say to you, make friends for yourselves by unrighteous mammon, that when you fail, they may receive you into an everlasting home.” (Luke 16:9)

You may recall that Jesus provided this advice in wrapping up the Parable of the Unjust Steward – the corrupt employee who, faced with being fired for mismanagement of his employer’s goods, assured himself of a comfortable future by slashing the debts of his employer’s many debtors.

I suppose there are many possible interpretations of this passage, and in particular of verse 9. But personally, I think Jesus was saying, “If you’re going to use your resources to buy the favor of others, use them to make friends who’ll be there to welcome you into heaven.”

Which seems to me to be another excellent reason for investing yourself in the lives and hearts of elderly long-term-care residents.

Like any Christian who has spent a lot of time helping out at a nursing home, I have a long list of friends who’ll be there to greet me when I get to heaven. In fact, several went on ahead only a few weeks ago. I miss them one and all – but oh, the thought of seeing them again, wearing their glorious spiritual bodies, free at last from the grief, pain, fear, disappointments and all the limitations of this fallen world!

Of course, nothing will match the joy of being in the presence of the One who died for us. But I have a sneaking suspicion that our reunions with these friends will be unspeakably grand. After all, planning ahead for this particular welcoming committee was Jesus’ idea! If you haven’t already started assembling yours, why not get started as soon as this nationwide quarantine has been lifted?

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"They cannot repay you"

A half-century that's best forgotten

A wonderful prayer for folks of any age

Silver linings

Attention, bibliophiles!

Wisdom for the aged

The Alzheimer's epidemic: an update

God's timing

Good questions for a prospective nursing home

Your heavenly welcoming committee

Kitty
Foth-Regner

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Kitty
Foth-Regner