Everlasting Place - Golden years: a blog about the elderly

Silver linings

5/28/2020

For all but the perennially unhappy among us, aging offers each of us some truly sparkling silver linings. The specifics no doubt depend upon your unique circumstances. But allow me to share some of my personal favorites—perhaps you’ll be inspired to start or expand your own list.

So here goes. The older I get:

The less my lack of coordination matters. In grade school, I was always last pick for baseball teams, even when my supremely athletic best friends were the designated captains; couldn’t hit the ball, you see, in spite of all the hours my beloved daddy spent trying to teach me. I finally left the shame permanently behind at age 50, realizing that I would never again be asked to wield a bat.
The more I enjoy rereading favorite old books. When it comes to pleasure-filled reading, there are advantages to being forgetful. For instance, I can now read an Agatha Christie mystery for the second or third time and be every bit as surprised by whodunit as I was the first time through.
The less I worry about my appearance. Whereas looking “cute” or “attractive” or “thin” was once a top priority in my life, these days looking “clean” is good enough.
The fewer unpleasant or difficult things populate my To Do list. For example, a few years ago, I awoke to the fact that I’ll never again have to make a speech, squeeze into a swimsuit, or interview a gaggle of radiologists about the clinical implications of some great new cardiac CT software.
The less worried I am about concealing my politically incorrect opinions. For us senior citizens, there's no longer any need to get into a good school or land a plum job, so why hold back? (Of course, if we continue marching down the road to tyranny, I may one day be arrested for thought crimes; but “life in prison” isn’t quite the threat it would have been a few decades ago.)

And for the born-again Christian, the advantages of advancing age are positively overwhelming.

For one thing, there’s no longer much sting associated with evangelistic rejection. In fact, every year it becomes easier to share my faith with an unbeliever. Perhaps he thinks I’m nuts for believing in a literal Genesis and Jonah, or incredibly narrow-minded for insisting that there’s only one route to heaven. And maybe she’s self-righteously offended that I have forced my “religion” on a person as good as she is. That’s okay with me; just so they somehow retain these seeds of truth until the Lord succeeds in breaking their stubborn hearts to make way for the gospel.

Even more important, old age means never having to say you’re worried—not even about the most highly touted disease du jour. For born-again believers in Jesus Christ, the sky is never falling; a heavenly forever awaits each of us at journey’s end.

And that's the most precious silver lining of all.

Attention, bibliophiles!

5/19/2020

Looking for a way to make yourself useful once the COVID 19 crisis is behind us and life has returned to normal, even in our nation's nursing homes?

If you love both books and old folks, there's an easy solution: volunteering to be a mobile librarian at a nearby long-term-care and rehab facility.

All you need is the blessing of the facility’s Activities Director, a spare utility cart, a collection of good books and magazines, and a little free time every week or two. You can then make the rounds, inviting each resident you meet to take advantage of your offerings.

If I were doing this (and I would dearly love to, if I only had a little more spare time), I’d keep records of who took what. I’d then update those records between residents, noting for future reference the kinds of reading material each one prefers. I think it would really please a "customer" to find, on my next visit, selections chosen especially for him or her.

“I know you’re interested in World War II, Mr. Bender,” I might say to the veteran in 247, “so I picked out a few titles that I thought you’d enjoy especially. Let’s take a look.”

And to the charming woman in the next room: “You said you like everything about Danielle Steel but the explicit parts. Would you like to give this Kathleen Thompson Norris novel a try? It was written 90 years ago, so you won’t find any offensive parts to skip over, and I think you’ll love the story.”

Where to find the reading material?

Your facility may already have a library to tap. The nursing home where I hang out has one that’s nicely stocked with everything from classics to current best-sellers, some in the large print editions that old eyes covet. But even if yours does not, how about raiding your own bookshelves, and those of your friends and family? Checking out the selection available at thrift stores such as Good Will, Salvation Army and St. Vincent de Paul? And asking used bookstores to give you a crack at material they’re about to toss out?

You can also ask your local library for suggestions. Many library systems hold periodic sales to make room for new reading material, for instance – a great way to build a personal library on the cheap. You might even consider taking special orders from some residents, using your own library card (or theirs, if possible) to pick up just the books they’re looking for.

What a great way to be a blessing to people who may have a little bit too much time on their hands – and in the process, to make some wonderful new friends who share your taste in books or magazines, and who might open up new vistas for your own literary adventures.

If the idea intrigues you, get in touch with an Activities Director soon. Once you’re rolling, I think it’s safe to say that a good time will be had by all!

Wisdom for the aged

5/5/2020

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

This is one of my favorite passages in the whole Bible. It’s transformational and transcendent, and it reminds me daily that, no matter how hopeless today’s problems may seem, those of us who belong to Jesus Christ needn’t worry; after all, this world is not our home.

Having instant access to such divine wisdom is one of the most wonderful things about being a born-again Christian steeped in the word of God. I’ve written often about the difference that word makes in troubled lives, particularly for those living in nursing homes. But today I'd like to revisit a memoir that really magnifies this truth.

The book is Corrie ten Boom’s The Hiding Place (Chosen Books, 1971), the story of a family of Christians who, during World War II, risked everything to hide Jews in their home near Amsterdam – and were inevitably caught by the murderous Nazis. The Hiding Place had been sitting on my Must Read stack for years before making it to the top of the pile (and the top of my Favorite Books list) thanks to a lovely Christian book club I was privileged to belong to.

One of my favorite passages appears on pages 194 and 195 in Bantam’s 1974 edition. Here, Corrie wrote about her ministry to women sharing a barracks in the Ravensbruck concentration camp where she and her sister Betsie were imprisoned for their crimes. Corrie had miraculously smuggled a Bible into their quarters, and a nasty flea infestation kept the squeamish Nazi officers from interfering with their times of fellowship and worship.

Here’s how she described it:

“As for us, from morning until lights-out, whenever we were not in ranks for roll call, our Bible was the center of an ever-widening circle of help and hope. Like waifs clustered around a blazing fire, we gathered about it, holding out our hearts to its warmth and light. The blacker the night around us grew, the brighter and truer and more beautiful burned the word of God. ‘Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? . . . Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.’

“I would look about us as Betsie read, watching the light leap from face to face. More than conquerors . . . It was not a wish. It was a fact. We knew it, we experienced it minute by minute – poor, hated, hungry. We are more than conquerors. Not ‘we shall be.’ We are! Life in Ravensbruck took place on two separate levels, mutually impossible. One, the observable, external life, grew every day more horrible. The other, the life we lived with God, grew daily better, truth upon truth, glory upon glory.”

I believe the Lord uses all our experiences – including the misery, pain, fear and hopelessness suffered by those locked away in prisons of all kinds – to draw us to Himself, to help us to understand that “things that are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” If you’d like a page-turning reminder of this truth, and you haven’t yet read it, I hope you’ll dive into The Hiding Place just as soon as possible. Then please, once long-term care facilities have re-opened to visitors, consider sharing what you've learned with someone who calls such a residence "home."

The Alzheimer's epidemic: an update

4/29/2020

If the numbers can be trusted -- and I take nothing for granted anymore, but they're all we have to work with -- Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia are on a pathway to destroying us all.

Consider just a few of the most recent statistics:

Alzheimer's disease is the 6th leading cause of death in the U.S., killing more people than breast and prostate cancer combined.
Between 2000 and 2018, deaths from Alzheimer's rose by 146%, while deaths from heart disease decreased by 7.8%.
One in three seniors dies with (although apparently not necessarily from) one form of dementia or another.
Today, more than 5 million Americans are living with Alzheimer's; by 2050, the experts expect the number to rise to as many as 14 million.
By 2050, Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia are predicted to cost the U.S. up to $1.1 trillion per year.

Yet just 50 years ago, this disease (along with others related to the brain) was almost unknown. What's going on?

In some cases, the disease can be genetic. (So much for evolutionary improvements due to positive, additive genetic changes. How can anyone be deluded enough to believe in evolution?) But otherwise, the experts appear to be stumped.

Could it be environmental? Aluminum has apparently been ruled out as a cause, but could it be something else that we're willingly ingesting? Could it be related to vaccines?

Until questions like these are answered, and Alzheimer's is on the wane, let's hope that our leaders are making plans for caring for the victims of this nasty disease. And let's hope that words like "euthanasia" and "Thailand" are nowhere to be found in their proposals.

God's timing

4/22/2020

I see so much long-term suffering at the nursing home where I normally hang out -- from the pains of old age to the sorrow of losing loved ones to the heartache caused by neglectful children.

Not surprisingly, the Lord makes all the difference in these lives: Those who are His bear up well under sometimes crippling physical pain or devastating losses -- often with joy, even without the "help" of psych medications. Those who are not His, and are not interested in anything about Him, do not.

I was reminded of the difference He makes when I stumbled across some writings I'd saved from the wonderful old devotional Streams in the Desert. I am sure that the contentment of those who belong to Jesus can be attributed to their understanding of the precious truths highlighted in essays such as this:

"And when forty years were expired, there appeared to him in the wilderness of Mount Sinai an angel of the Lord in a flame of fire in a bush…saying…I have seen the affliction of my people which is in Egypt, and I have heard their groaning, and am come down to deliver them. And now come, I will send thee into Egypt" (Acts 7:30, 32, 34).

"That was a long wait in preparation for a great mission. When God delays, He is not inactive. He is getting ready His instruments, He is ripening our powers; and at the appointed moment we shall arise equal to our task. Even Jesus of Nazareth was thirty years in privacy, growing in wisdom before He began His work. --Dr. Jowett

"God is never in a hurry but spends years with those He expects to greatly use. He never thinks the days of preparation too long or too dull.

"The hardest ingredient in suffering is often time. A short, sharp pang is easily borne, but when a sorrow drags its weary way through long, monotonous years, and day after day returns with the same dull routine of hopeless agony, the heart loses its strength, and without the grace of God, is sure to sink into the very sullenness of despair.

"Joseph's was a long trial, and God often has to burn His lessons into the depths of our being by the fires of protracted pain. 'He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver,' but He knows how long, and like a true goldsmith He stops the fires the moment He sees His image in the glowing metal.

"We may not see now the outcome of the beautiful plan which God is hiding in the shadow of His hand; it yet may be long concealed; but faith may be sure that He is sitting on the throne, calmly waiting the hour when, with adoring rapture, we shall say, 'All things have worked together for good.'

"Like Joseph, let us be more careful to learn all the lessons in the school of sorrow than we are anxious for the hour of deliverance. There is a 'need-be' for every lesson, and when we are ready, our deliverance will surely come, and we shall find that we could not have stood in our place of higher service without the very things that were taught us in the ordeal.

"God is educating us for the future, for higher service and nobler blessings; and if we have the qualities that fit us for a throne, nothing can keep us from it when God's time has come. Don't steal tomorrow out of God's hands. Give God time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never too late; learn to wait." -- Selected

Good questions for a prospective nursing home

4/14/2020

If you’re searching for a skilled nursing facility (SNF) for a loved one, you undoubtedly have at the ready a list of questions covering everything from costs to quality control, from bathing schedule to activities. But here are some additional subjects you might want to explore with each admissions director you interview; the answers could save you both confusion and frustration down the road.

1. What’s your overarching goal in caring for my loved one?

Personally, I’d like to hear that the home under consideration has, as its top priority, ensuring my loved one of a comfortable, safe, loving and stimulating environment for the rest of his or her life.

And I’d like to know how this place demonstrates it. For example, does its Activities staff go to great lengths to keep residents’ creative juices flowing? Does Dietary bend over backwards to tempt even fussy eaters? Does the Physical Therapy team specialize in my loved one’s problems?

In short, ask the admission director what’s extraordinary about his or her facility, and how that might impact your loved one.

2. What exactly can you do for us?

It never hurts to ask an admissions director to spell out the advantages this facility offers residents.

You might ask him or her what they tell government inspectors about their capabilities – and to translate this language into plain English to communicate what it means to your loved one.

For example, how many clinical staff hours does each resident receives per day? What is this home’s track record on minimizing falls or choking events, or hastening the diagnosis and treatment of UTIs? Then the clincher: what steps are being taken to further improve this facility's performance in each of these areas?

This is the kind of detail that can reveal a great deal about how much a particular SNF team cares about its residents.

3. What can’t you do?

Some residents' families assume that their loved ones will remain under 24-hour-a-day observation in a skilled nursing facility. Then, when something bad happens beyond the staff’s field of view, thoughts of neglect or abuse leap to their minds.

What’s more, some families blame the SNF for things that are totally out of any facility’s control – especially when the government has tied its hands. In Wisconsin, for instance, bed rails cannot be provided until a resident has actually fallen out of bed and hurt himself. The reason: it smacks of restraint.

Such restrictions mean that occasional falls are almost inevitable in even the finest nursing homes. Don’t let your expectations get out of whack. Instead, determine up front what the rules are, and what this particular facility is doing to keep its residents safe and sound in spite of the most confounding restrictions.

4. Are you trying to rip us off?

Many people feel like they’re being ripped off by nursing homes–and indeed, it may seem like they’re all in cahoots, charging similarly exorbitant fees.

Why not discuss the financial nitty gritty up front? Find out what private, round-the-clock care would cost in your home, and compare those numbers with each prospective nursing home's. You may be surprised to find out just how cost-effective a nursing home can be; it's all relative, after all.

Then ask each admissions director what hidden extras you'd be getting for your buck. For instance, what kind of investment does this SNF make in continuous staff training each year? In keeping the place spotless? In maintaining a warm and inviting environment? In keeping up with ever-evolving regulations?

And then how about exploring the financial realities of nursing-home P&L? Specifically, what proportion of a private-pay resident’s “rent” goes to subsidize someone who can’t pay his or her own way? Whichever side of this equation you’re on at the moment, you’re likely to be pleasantly surprised to learn that your loved one will continue to receive quality care even if he or she runs out of money. But beware: not all facilities offer this distinct advantage.

5. If we have a complaint, what do we do?

If your loved one is in a home for any length of time, issues will undoubtedly arise. So ask what you should do if you have concerns or complaints. Whose job is it to advocate and intervene for your family? And if that doesn’t work, what’s your next step?

What am I forgetting?

If you have other less-obvious questions that should be asked before signing a loved one up for SNF living, please drop me a note. I'll then begin compiling Good Questions, Part 2.

Your heavenly welcoming committee

4/9/2020

“And I say to you, make friends for yourselves by unrighteous mammon, that when you fail, they may receive you into an everlasting home.” (Luke 16:9)

You may recall that Jesus provided this advice in wrapping up the Parable of the Unjust Steward – the corrupt employee who, faced with being fired for mismanagement of his employer’s goods, assured himself of a comfortable future by slashing the debts of his employer’s many debtors.

I suppose there are many possible interpretations of this passage, and in particular of verse 9. But personally, I think Jesus was saying, “If you’re going to use your resources to buy the favor of others, use them to make friends who’ll be there to welcome you into heaven.”

Which seems to me to be another excellent reason for investing yourself in the lives and hearts of elderly long-term-care residents.

Like any Christian who has spent a lot of time helping out at a nursing home, I have a long list of friends who’ll be there to greet me when I get to heaven. In fact, several went on ahead only a few weeks ago. I miss them one and all – but oh, the thought of seeing them again, wearing their glorious spiritual bodies, free at last from the grief, pain, fear, disappointments and all the limitations of this fallen world!

Of course, nothing will match the joy of being in the presence of the One who died for us. But I have a sneaking suspicion that our reunions with these friends will be unspeakably grand. After all, planning ahead for this particular welcoming committee was Jesus’ idea! If you haven’t already started assembling yours, why not get started as soon as this nationwide quarantine has been lifted?

Warning: loneliness can be fatal

4/1/2020

As we begin another month of obeying our government's stay-at-home orders, I have been reminded once again of a study I read some time ago--a University of California-San Francisco study on social isolation, for which researchers spent six years following 1604 adults. In the process, the researchers discovered that (brace yourself!) lonely old folks tend not to live as long as those who are not lonely.

Published online in 2012 but only highlighted years later by major outlets such as Good Housekeeping, the study revealed that the lonely elderly are not only more likely to die, but are also more likely to suffer functional decline – for instance, in mobility.

The difference in death rates among these populations was not insignificant: 23% of the “lonely” group members died over the course of the study, while only 14% of the “not lonely” did so.

The implications?

As Good Housekeeping’s reporter noted, “Inviting Grandma over for dinner may actually extend her life – and increase its quality.”

Perhaps the study also suggests that those with both compassion and free time should do whatever they can to combat this problem – one of this blog’s primary themes, in fact. After all, we don't have to travel farther than the nearest nursing home to help alleviate loneliness for at least a few.

Just as important, we may need to adjust our thinking on the subject of living arrangements for the elderly in today’s oh-so-sophisticated, youth-worshiping culture.

Good Housekeeping’s story touched on what I believe to be a profound insight in this regard: “Beyond inviting our older relatives and friends into our homes, it's important to encourage elderly relationships — which is why, despite popular belief, older folks tend to thrive in independent or assisted living environments.”

To independent and assisted-living environments, I would add “great nursing homes.” As Golden Years proposed several years back, they can be a far better solution for many than living with children and grandchildren who are too busy to care.

But as long as this current COVID-19 crisis continues, all these avenues of social interaction are cut off for many of our old folk. Until it's behind us, please do what you can to stay in touch with your elderly friends and relatives. Call, write, email, Skype or FaceTime, even stop by and visit through a window, if that's at all practical; some families are doing just that at nursing homes around here, using cell phones to talk with their loved ones through the windows. There's no hugging, of course, but it sure beats the prolonged loneliness that this health crisis is causing for far too many people.

The lesson of the mulberry trees

3/24/2020

Sadly, fears over the corona virus have closed the doors of our nursing homes to virtually all visitors; and now the residents have been confined to their rooms for the duration. I hope those of you with loved ones and friends living under these tight restrictions will take the time to call them regularly, and to send them encouraging notes as often as possible--whatever you can do to battle their feelings of isolation and loneliness.

In the meantime, since there won't be a new Chris Carrillo message this month, I though you might like to listen once again to one of my favorites, which he delivered to the nursing home more than three years ago. Enjoy!

"And it shall be, when you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the mulberry trees, then you shall advance quickly. For then the Lord will go out before you to strike the camp of the Philistines.” 2 Samuel 5:24

I once knew an elderly woman who never made a move without asking God for His direction. She dressed in the morning based on what she thought was His leading. She made her way through the grocery store asking for His advice on what kind of cereal or soup she should buy. She consulted Him on which news broadcast she should listen to at the end of the day, and what time she should go to bed.

Some might see that as a little excessive. Maybe so, but somehow I think it probably pleased Him.

After all, we are prone to do just the opposite, as Chris Carrillo pointed out in a recent message to those gathered for the Christian Music Hour at Care-age of Brookfield – to leave Him out of even major decisions.

Entitled “Are you listening to the mulberry trees?” Chris’s message provided us with ample biblical reminders of how critical it can be to seek God’s counsel in humble prayer, and to await His answer – and how disastrous it can be to simply plunge ahead, doing what seems right in our own eyes.

“Let’s cultivate a habit of inquiring of the Lord and waiting for His answer,” Chris said. “The more that we seek direction from God in prayer, the more we desire to know His will, the more He is honored and the more we are blessed.”

If that sounds like a good reminder to you, I invite you to invest a quarter hour in listening to this terrific message. (If you are reading this via an email, please click on the post title above and you’ll be taken to the original post, complete with audio link.)

Reflections on "The Trip to Bountiful"

3/14/2020

There are a handful of movies I like to watch again and again, and “The Trip to Bountiful” (1985) is one of them. I saw it again recently for the fourth or fifth time. And it reminded me once again of what may be the second-greatest gift we can give the elderly.

In case you haven’t caught it yet, here’s the story line:

Living in 1940s Houston with her son and daughter-in-law, 70-something Carrie Watts (Geraldine Page) has just one wish to fulfill before she dies: visiting her childhood home in a town called Bountiful. Son Ludie (John Heard) is too busy trying to make a living for them to take her there himself, and his wife Jessie Mae (Carlin Glynn) is too busy pursuing her own little pleasures to care. So Mrs. Watts takes the matter into her own hands, escaping by Greyhound bus to the closest stop. It’s 10 p.m. when they arrive, and pitch black outside. She decides to sleep on a bench in the nearly empty bus station, and then to walk the last 12 miles to Bountiful in the morning.

Alas, she’s found out, and the local sheriff is under orders to hold her until Ludie can get there to pick her up.

While they wait, the kind-hearted sheriff decides to take Mrs. Watts to Bountiful. There’s not much left – just a few abandoned structures. Her childhood home, too, is a ruin, but the sheriff settles her on an upturned crate at the crumbling front porch and talks with her gently for a few minutes before leaving her alone with her memories. We walk through the house with her, knowing that she sees more than we do, so much more than this empty shell of a home. And she is in fact restored by the visit. She returns to Houston with her son and daughter-in-law, peacefully and finally at peace.

This was just the second time I’d seen this movie as a Christian, and oh, what a difference a worldview makes! Mrs. Watts is clearly a believer. Hymns are the sound track of her life, and she turns to her battered Bible throughout her journey. She knows her time on earth is limited, but doesn’t seem to be disturbed in the least by her mortality; she knows that she will spend forever in heaven with her Savior.

I remember weeping inconsolably over this movie in the past. But not now; I may shed a few tears, but they are tears of joy and longing for eternity, not of despair or bitterness.

There are two things that really strike me about “Bountiful” now that I'm a believer.

First, there’s what the movie reveals about our relationship to time as we age.

We see that Mrs. Watts has little thought of the present, or of her remaining time in this world. Instead, she has an all-consuming longing to revisit her distant past, perhaps as a touchstone on her way to eternity.

We see that daughter-in-law Jessie Mae, on the other hand, has no thought of anything but today, of her present comfort and pleasures. Sadly, I can identify with such shallowness; she reminds me of myself before I encountered the living God.

And then we see son Ludie, stuck somewhere in between. While he’s sympathetic to his mother’s memories, he refuses to join her on this sentimental journey of hers. He has focused his heart and mind on today, because thinking of the past is painful.

“I should have made myself bring you out here sooner,” he says when he finally catches up with her at the old house. “I’m sorry. I just thought it’d be easier, if we didn’t see the house again.”

Then, rejecting her invitation to look around: “I don’t see any use in it. I’d rather remember it like it was.” Except we know that people who say such things go to great lengths to forget, burying their memories beneath an avalanche of activity and entertainment. We know that Ludie is like this, that he keeps a tight leash on his memories.

A bit later, as he reflects on his failure to make a good life for his wife and mother, Ludie admits it. “Mamma, I lied to you,” he says. “I do remember – I remember so much. This house, this life here, the night you woke me up and dressed me and took me for a walk when the moon was full and I cried ‘cause I was scared and you comforted me.

“Mamma, I want to stop remembering. It doesn’t do any good, remembering.”

And in a way, he’s right. Nothing on this earth can compete with the memory of past joy. Only the promise of eternal joy can eclipse it.

The second thing that struck me about my latest viewing of “The Trip to Bountiful” is related: Perhaps the second-best thing we can do for the elderly is to help them go home again, if only in their thoughts.

I’ve done this somewhat instinctively in my nursing-home visits, I suppose, but selfishly; I love hearing about life in the pre-WWII U.S., and seeing pictures from that era, and learning about the people who were dear to my aging friends. It never occurred to me that they might get even more pleasure than I do out of talking about these things.

But thanks to this phenomenal movie and wonderful performances by Geraldine Page and John Heard, I can see that it would be so. From now on, I’ll make a point of helping them focus on the good ol’ days instead of wasting words on the bad ol’ here and now -- after, of course, sharing the best gift of all with them, which is the gospel of Jesus Christ.

In the meantime, I may just go back and visit Bountiful once more. If you’d like to see it, for the first time or the tenth, look for it on youtube.