Sadly, some elderly nursing-home residents spend their last days waiting for what they think is the worst. They’ve lost their parents, spouses, siblings, and friends, and now they are just waiting for their own deaths – too often with dread.

The good news is we can occasionally help.

For instance, the problem is sometimes (and increasingly) plain old unbelief.

“I don’t buy any of that heaven stuff anymore,” a new resident told me, with great sadness, a couple of weeks ago. “When we die, we cease to exist and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

She’s a reader, so I gave her a copy of Heaven Without Her and she promised to read it. It’s my prayer, of course, that she will be pointed towards the narrow gate (Matthew 7) by the evidence it presents for the truth of Christianity -- or at least come to see that eternity is worthy of both consideration and investigation.

Sometimes end-of-life fears are the result of unbiblical theology.

Not all that long ago I found a 100-year-old woman sobbing in her room. “I’m afraid of dying,” she confessed through her tears. “I’m so afraid of Purgatory!” I gently showed her from scripture that if she repented and trusted in Christ, she could count on being “absent from the body, present with the Lord” (2 Corinthians 5). Did these truths relieve her fears? It seemed so at the time; but she suffered a massive stroke and died soon after our discussion, so I won’t know until I get There myself.

Occasionally even the faith-filled elderly fear death -- not its reality but its mechanics, in particular the prospect of pain.

Fortunately, we really don’t have to deal with overwhelming pain anymore, thanks to modern pharmaceuticals. In two decades of hanging out at “my” nursing home, I’ve only seen two people suffer greatly, in both cases because they refused medication to relieve it.

But even when that relief is incomplete, it’s possible for the dying to rest in the knowledge that God is at work in and through them, and that eternal bliss is just beyond the horizon. 

I’ve seen this attitude time and time again in Spirit-filled Christians. What a blessing and encouragement it is to spend time with those who are waiting patiently not for the other shoe to drop, but for joy forevermore!

I didn’t get it at the time, but I do now. Once again, my aging mother was right, as this excerpt from Heaven Without Her demonstrates.

“My first inkling of my mother’s new way of thinking about death came on the heels of a shocking phone call that came into my home office one morning in the late ‘90s. It was from the younger daughter of Arlene, one of my mother’s few life-long soul mates. It was horrible news, she said tearfully: Her mom had died, would we please come to Madison for the funeral?

“I was petrified: How could I possibly break this to my own mother? She would be devastated!

“The news was too awful to deliver over the phone. I set aside my work and dragged myself over to the nursing home, trying desperately to think of the best way to tell her.

“’Brace yourself’ sounded about right; it had worked for Mr. Evans, after all, when he told me about my father. And then, quickly: ‘Arlene has died.’

“But it didn’t play out at all the way I had envisioned.

“I found my mother in her bathroom combing her hair, getting ready to head down to the dining room. She was surprised to see me – and not a little frightened once she saw my expression.

“’What’s wrong?’ she asked in that quick, quiet tone we use when we fear the worst.

“Whereupon I knelt down next to her wheelchair and burst into tears, making it awfully difficult for me to give her the news about Arlene. But give it, I did.

“Mom’s reaction shocked me into silence.

“’Oh, I’m so happy for her,’ she said, smiling and gazing dreamily at the ceiling. ‘Dear Arlene – home with George at last.’

“I was speechless.

“I don’t know if we sat there like this for five seconds or five minutes, but finally she noticed me.

“’Oh, sweet Kitty,’ she said, touching my cheek with one soft hand, ‘you’ll understand one day. At least I hope you will.’

“Understand what?” I said crossly. ‘Your friend dies and you’re happy? What is wrong with you?’

“She sighed and shook her head. ‘There’s not much left for us here – of course, there are our children and grandchildren, but you all have your own lives. I honestly can’t wait –‘

“’Don’t you dare say that’ I hissed. ‘I will not listen!’ And I left, still in tears, not even willing to give this cruel mother of mine a ride to the dining room, waiting until our phone call later that night to apologize and make plans for taking her to Arlene’s funeral.

“Her attitude did not change in the months that followed, as the daughters of other old friends called me, one after another, to announce their own mothers’ deaths. Invariably, they said they were calling me instead of my mother because they thought I should deliver the news myself, in person, to soften the blow.

“I did not tell any of them that my mother would most likely greet the news with joy.” (Heaven Without Her, pp 151-152)

Here's one way to deal on a local level with the global problem of aging populations. I hope you find it as appalling as I do. 

Swiss group to allow assisted dying for elderly who are not terminally ill

I stumbled across this list of the most commonly reported nursing home complaints this morning -- complaints that we should all be aware of in looking for long-term care for ourselves or our loved ones:

1. Insufficient staffing to provide adequate and safe care.
2. Not responding to residents' needs in a timely or humane fashion (toilet, liquids, pain).
3. Staff's unresponsiveness to justified complaints by residents and family members.
4. Fear of retaliation after complaints are registered.
5. Staff's lack of ability to recognize a change in residents' condition or the signs or symptoms leading to serious illness.
6. Staff's lack of skills and knowledge to safely perform medical procedures and lack of ability to understand and follow doctors' orders.
7. Lack of communication between staffing shifts and between nursing staff and physicians, often leading to the discomfort and harm of residents.
8. Unsanitary conditions, breeding infections and illnesses.
9. Insufficient supplies to properly care for residents.
10. Constant loss or theft of clothing, personal items, and valuables.
11. Administrators' and staff's misrepresentation of facts about the actual care given to residents.
12. Intimidation of residents (who are all extremely vulnerable).
13. Medical records that are incomplete, inaccurate, fraudulent or have been destroyed.
14. Bad tasting, poorly prepared, nutritionally deficient food.
15. Insensitive, uncaring, rude, and abusive treatment of helpless residents and a general lack of compassion for all residents.
16. Administrators' and staff's belief that the everyday care level in most nursing homes, which constitutes neglect and abuse, is an acceptable care level.
17. Administrators who abuse the power of their position.

Although such complaints are few and far between at the nursing home where I hang out, I have heard a number of them once or twice over the last 20 years. That's to be expected; I guess I'd be pretty suspicious of a place that every resident loved with the fervor of a Stepford wife.

Nevertheless, if you're looking for a great facility, you'll want to find one that has reduced such complaints to an absolute minimum -- which underscores the importance of doing your homework. 

Medicare offers a handy checklist as well as a searchable database the lets you explore, with a few clicks of the mouse, the quality rankings of facilities in your area. And your state no doubt publishes a ton of information online; just to give you an example, here is Wisconsin's official portal into a wealth of nursing-home data. 

It bears repeating: When touring the facilities on my short list, I would make every attempt to talk with a few residents themselves, and their families, perhaps asking about the items on the list above. And I would ask about each facility's Christian offerings, favoring those with the most robust selection; it's a great indicator of staff members who reflect the love of Christ in every aspect of care.     

Way too often, sadness, loneliness and fear are the order of the day for the elderly. But it doesn't have to be that way; anyone, at any age, can enter by the narrow gate to full confidence that the best is yet to come forevermore.   

Until then, consider this excerpt from Heaven Without Her (p. 243):

"In honor of our trip to Wausau with my mother’s ashes, Jenny had given me a CD by a Christian singer named Crystal Lewis. Jen pointed especially to the title song, “Beauty for Ashes,” which reassures the child of God that He will heal all sorrows:

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

"It took me a while to make the connection, but I finally realized that this chorus was based on Isaiah 61:3 -- part of that hope-tinged passage that someone had read at my mother’s funeral.

"I listened to this song again and again. It was true: He was giving me beauty and strength, gladness and peace.

"But it’s only the beginning of what promises to be the happiest ending of all."