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The mutual compassion society

6/27/2017

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Lately I’ve been noticing a refreshing phenomenon at the nursing home where I hang out: an uncanny level of mutual compassion among the residents. 

Maybe it’s always been there, and I’ve just missed it. Maybe I just happen to know some ultra-kind folks at the moment. Or maybe my own tired bones are making me more aware of how these people treat each other, and how sympathetically they respond when a neighbor suffers yet another physical setback – even when that setback disturbs their own fragile peace or comfort. 

Here’s just one example: an elderly woman who was crying out in her sleep almost every night, often disrupting her roommate’s rest. The roommate was offered a bed in another room, but she decided to stay put; the sleep-talker couldn’t help it, she pointed out, and after all, she could always catch up on her own sleep during the day. 

When I heard this, I couldn’t help but recall a dear friend who experienced such middle-of-the-night terrors some years ago. His neighbors complained bitterly about the racket. They didn’t care who it was or why he was crying out; they just wanted him to stop. 

Today, there’s more compassion in evidence everywhere I look. And it’s a beautiful thing to see when, for instance, one old woman asks the same question repeatedly, and the folks nearby answer again and again, without even a trace of impatience in their voices. Or when, in a hymn sing, a severely disabled man struggles to help turn pages for the even worse-off fellow in the adjacent gerry chair. Or when a very with-it old gal goes out of her way to sing the praises of a tablemate’s sunny disposition, even though everyone knows that this tablemate is the victim of cognition-sapping dementia. 

I suppose there’s an awful lot of “there but for the grace of God go I” thinking at work in this place – proving, once again, that there’s a ton of wisdom and love to be found in the halls of your local nursing home. If you haven’t already done so, I hope you’ll discover it for yourself just as soon as possible.                                                                                                                   
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Memories as prophecy

6/22/2017

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"The stories I have told myself are made up in the dark; then come glimpses, broken, but brighter, fresher than this moment. Memories that perhaps are prophecies.” Mr. Despondency’s Daughter (Harpers, 1938, page 171)
 
I’m reading another Anne Parrish novel – as usual nursing each paragraph in a vain attempt to forestall the inevitable turning of the last page. Each of her books seems to me to be even more enchanting than the last; and Mr. Despondency’s Daughter may be the best of them all. (I reserve the right to update my assessment, however. I already have Sea Level and Loads of Love on deck, and from the rare online reviews I’ve been able to find, they both promise literary pleasures unknown to readers of contemporary fiction.)
 
The thing about Parrish is that, so often, I find myself stopping to read a phrase or sentence or passage over and over again, because she has expressed something I’ve been unable to put into words, some yearning that slips away just as I’m about to grasp it with my feeble old brain.
 
The quote above is a great example. For years, the sight of morning sunlight spilling over the European spindle trees and through the young leaves of a Japanese tree lilac has made me dizzy with an unnamed hunger – one that author Mark Buchanan captured beautifully in his five-star book Things Unseen:

"There you are, standing at a window watching oak leaves flutter down from dark boughs, and without warning your whole body fills with a longing for something you can't name, something you've lost but never had, that you're nostalgic for yet don't remember. You sense a joy so huge it breaks you, a sorrow so deep it cleanses."
 
I find myself awash in this emotion more and more these days, suddenly woozy at the scent of an ancient lilac or the sound of an organ playing “Lead on O King Eternal” or the sight of a particular vase my Granny owned or a collection of Steiff toys in the musty old antique mall I retreat to when the news of this world becomes too grim to bear.
 
And now, Anne Parrish has finished the thought for me: these memories -- these “broken, but brighter, fresher” longings – may be prophecies of the glory to come, the promise of ultimate fulfillment for the child of God.
 
“For now we see through a glass, darkly,” wrote the apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:12, “but then face to face; now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.”
 
I can hardly wait.  
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Are nursing homes always the last resort?

6/14/2017

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Conventional wisdom says that nursing homes are always bad, and staying at home is always good. But is this really the case?

The death of my friend R. has me reconsidering this. At 88, she was still living alone in the home that she and her late husband had built 40 years ago. She loved the house, with good reason: It was indeed beautiful, and spotlessly maintained (I think R. may have been a bit OC about cleanliness and order).  What’s more, living there enabled her to keep the cat she had rescued from the wild 13 years earlier, and loved to pieces.

But R. was so frail, and prone to the UTIs that can lead to confusion. In the end, a relative found her knocked into delirium by a massive stroke or sepsis or both, three whole days after the last person had spoken with her by phone. How long she had been in this state, no one could say.  She died a week later, in the hospital, never regaining her faculties and in fact lapsing into a coma just a day into her hospitalization. 

I wonder: Would R. have been better off in a nursing home, surrounded by people her own age and thriving under the watchful eye of a solid-gold nursing staff? 

Another elderly friend died about the same time, under slightly different circumstances. Long-widowed, J. had lived alone in an apartment until a couple years ago. But she was becoming increasingly forgetful, so one of her sons took her in to his home. It was great at first; he took excellent care of her, and no doubt continued to do so right up to the end. But he works full time and then some, so at first she was alone most of her waking hours. Later, deciding that she might be unsafe alone, he hired an aide to sit with her while he earned his living. But it was apparently too little, too late: She soon tumbled into full-blown dementia, occupying it in horror and misery for about a year before she died. 

Would J.  have been better off in a nursing home? Might she have blossomed in such an environment, enjoying the company of people her own age and engaged in a steady stream of activities tailored specifically to her evolving abilities?

I guess only God knows for sure. But I tend to think that both R. and J. would have been happier in a facility designed to meet their needs for medical care, companionship and intellectual stimulation. 

When it comes time for you to figure out a way to take care of your elderly parents or grandparents, don’t automatically assume that home with you is the best place for them. Those who routinely denounce nursing homes are not necessarily doing the elderly any favors; there are situations in which leaving day-to-day care to the professionals in a fine nursing home may well be the best solution for your loved ones.
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Finding the right nursing home

6/12/2017

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A couple of years ago, I stumbled across a list of the most commonly reported nursing home complaints -- complaints that we should all be aware of in looking for long-term care for ourselves or our loved ones:

  1. Insufficient staffing to provide adequate and safe care.
  2. Not responding to residents' needs in a timely or humane fashion (toilet, liquids, pain).
  3. Staff's unresponsiveness to justified complaints by residents and family members.
  4. Fear of retaliation after complaints are registered.
  5. Staff's lack of ability to recognize a change in residents' condition or the signs or symptoms leading to serious illness.
  6. Staff's lack of skills and knowledge to safely perform medical procedures and lack of ability to understand and follow doctors' orders.
  7. Lack of communication between staffing shifts and between nursing staff and physicians, often leading to the discomfort and harm of residents.
  8. Unsanitary conditions, breeding infections and illnesses.
  9. Insufficient supplies to properly care for residents.
  10. Constant loss or theft of clothing, personal items, and valuables.
  11. Administrators' and staff's misrepresentation of facts about the actual care given to residents.
  12. Intimidation of residents (who are all extremely vulnerable).
  13. Medical records that are incomplete, inaccurate, fraudulent or have been destroyed.
  14. Bad tasting, poorly prepared, nutritionally deficient food.
  15. Insensitive, uncaring, rude, and abusive treatment of helpless residents and a general lack of compassion for all residents.
  16. Administrators' and staff's belief that the everyday care level in most nursing homes, which constitutes neglect and abuse, is an acceptable care level.
  17. Administrators who abuse the power of their position.

Although such complaints are few and far between at the nursing home where I hang out, I have heard a number of them once or twice over the last 20 years. That's to be expected; I guess I'd be pretty suspicious of a place that every resident loved with the fervor of a Stepford wife.

Nevertheless, if you're looking for a great facility, you'll want to find one that has reduced such complaints to an absolute minimum -- which underscores the importance of doing your homework. 

Medicare offers a handy checklist as well as a searchable database the lets you explore, with a few clicks of the mouse, the quality rankings of facilities in your area. And your state no doubt publishes a ton of information online; just to give you an example, here is Wisconsin's official portal into a wealth of nursing-home data. 

When touring the facilities on my short list, I would make every attempt to talk with a few residents, and their families, focusing on the items on the list above. And I would ask about each facility's Christian offerings, favoring the one with the most robust selection; it's a great indicator of staff members who reflect the love of Christ in every aspect of care.     
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8 things we know about eternity

6/5/2017

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Just came across this list of eight of eternity's attributes, a list I saved back in 2003. Whether I put it together or found it somewhere on the internet, I have no idea. Either way, it's wonderful to ponder some of the things that the Bible says we will enjoy forever -- as long as we have received Christ as our Savior, having repented and trusted in Him to have paid our sin debt on the cross. 

1.      There is a place prepared for the redeemed, and we will be there with Jesus. 

John 14:2-3: In My Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.  

2.  We will be unlimited by physical properties. 

John 20:26: And after eight days His disciples were again inside, and Thomas with them. Jesus came, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, "Peace to you!"

3.  We will be like Jesus. 

1 John 3:2: Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.

4. We will have new bodies. 

1 Corinthians 15:36-40 Foolish one, what you sow is not made alive unless it dies. And what you sow, you do not sow that body that shall be, but mere grain--perhaps wheat or some other grain. But God gives it a body as He pleases, and to each seed its own body. All flesh is not the same flesh, but there is one kind of flesh of men, another flesh of animals, another of fish, and another of birds. There are also celestial bodies and terrestrial bodies; but the glory of the celestial is one, and the glory of the terrestrial is another.

5. It will be wonderful beyond our earthly imaginations. 

1 Corinthians 2:9: But as it is written: "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him."

6.  It will be a new environment. 

Revelation 21:1 Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea.

7.  It will be a new experience of God’s presence. 

Revelation 21:3: And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God.”

8.      We will be free of sorrow. 

Revelation 21:4: And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."
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“They cannot repay you.”

6/2/2017

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Then He also said to him who invited Him, “When you give a dinner or a supper, do not ask your friends, your brothers, your relatives, nor rich neighbors, lest they also invite you back, and you be repaid.  But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you; for you shall be repaid at the resurrection of the just.” (Jesus, quoted in Luke 14:12-14)
 
I’ve been thinking a lot about volunteerism lately, and about all the people I know who put their time, energy and money into good causes. Surely such efforts are earning heavenly rewards for them all -- or at least for those who’ll be there because they repented of their sin and trusted the Lord Jesus to have paid its penalty on the cross.
 
But the other day, the passage above jumped out at me. Apparently in charity, as in everything else, our motivations are of supreme importance to God. As He told the prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 16:7b), “The Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
 
So it seems that not all charitable deeds are created equal, at least as far as the Lord is concerned. Does this not suggest that we should weigh our motivations when we consider giving away our time, labor or money? That we should seek out service opportunities where there’s literally nothing in it for us?
 
That can’t mean we should not enjoy our service; “the Lord loves a cheerful giver,” after all (2 Corinthians 9:7). But I do think it means that the most valuable service is what we can do for those who offer us nothing in return – those without resources, those who can’t introduce us to valuable business contacts, those who do not offer us “first dibs” access to things we value, those who won’t make us look good in the eyes of people we admire.  
 
So by all means, let’s all freely give of our time, energy and fortune. But as we evaluate the wide world of volunteer opportunities, let’s not forget to factor our motivations into the equation – and perhaps focus on those that offer us no apparent payback. Because they’re sure to be the ones with the greatest need. 
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    Kitty
    Foth-Regner

    I'm a follower of Jesus Christ, a freelance copywriter, a nursing-home volunteer, and the author of books both in-process and published -- including
    Heaven Without Her.

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