It’s now been almost two years since my friend and companion "Julia" left her earthly body behind and woke up in heaven. But I still think of her almost daily – especially as I see new signs of the increasingly old me.
 
Julia, you see, was a veteran volunteer at the nursing home where I now spend a chunk of my waking hours. A relatively young widow, she first signed up with its Activities Director in 1993, not long after the place opened. She was 67 then. And she continued serving there, two days a week, for the next 20 years, until back pain and driving difficulties forced her to hang up her “volunteer” badge.
 
Julia is the reason that I became a volunteer there myself, because it was also in 1993 that my mother moved in and befriended her.
 
“Julia was here today,” my mom would often report during our nightly phone calls. “She was wearing the most beautiful outfit, and here’s what we talked about.” Occasionally she would add something along these lines: “Julia is so kind. If I’d known how lonely it can be living in an old-ladies home, I would have gone visiting at one myself.”
 
What else could I do, when my mother died in May of 2000, than report for volunteer duty the following week?  
 
Within days, Julia's path and mine had crossed, and we soon began visiting residents together. We continued to do so for the next dozen years. In fact, except for my husband, I spent more time with her between 2000 and 2012 than I did with any other human being.  
 
On the surface, our routine didn’t vary much. We would meet in the lobby at around 9:30 a.m.  Julia always got there first, even though she’d be arrayed in full makeup, elaborate upswept hairdo, stand-out jewelry and the flowing blouses and skirts that she’d found at Good Will; she slept from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. and so had plenty of morning time to put herself together.  Perpetually running late, I would race into the lobby, disheveled and breathless, to find Julia sitting there regally, often immersed in conversation with an admirer or two. She usually had an empty, three-shelf utility cart at her side to transport my silk flower arrangements. “I thought I’d save us a little time,” she would explain unnecessarily, “and look at the nice cart I found!”
 
We became a familiar sight, the two of us strolling down the halls, flower-laden cart in tow, making frequent stops along the way – sometimes just to say hello and deliver a new arrangement, sometimes to sit a spell to read Scripture, share the Gospel, catch up on a resident’s family or medical news, look through yellowing photo albums, even to play a game of Scrabble.  
 
Julia and I would have lunch with the Activities staff, eating whatever the residents were having that day. Re-energized, we’d continue on our way through the building. There were always a couple of crabby residents we stopped to see only because we were Christians serving the Lord; but mostly we got as much pleasure out of our visits as the residents themselves did.
 
Sometimes a special assignment would be added to our agenda – for instance, we were occasionally sent out to try to warm up a particularly recalcitrant new resident (Julia was a master at softening hearts). And sometimes we invented our own special assignments, as was the case when a new resident’s daughter started a weekly Bible study. Julia and I attended her opening session to evaluate her doctrine, and could tell within five minutes that the teacher was a closet Jehovah’s Witness determined to convert every last attendee; over the next few weeks, we raised biblical objection after biblical objection to her claims, until she finally gave up and left the theological training to the genuine biblicists who frequent the home.
 
What wonderful times Julia and I had  together! And for me, there was an important bonus: She taught me everything I know about service and sacrifice, about kindness, about when to be silent and when to speak up.  
 
Perhaps the most important lesson she left me with is this: For the Christian, volunteering at a nursing home is a ministry conducted on behalf of the Lord Himself, and it therefore deserves to be treated as a top priority in your life. Of course, stay home if you’re sick. Otherwise, as long as you’re able to do so, just show up. Be there even if you’re feeling tired, or useless, or have better things to do. Schedule your life around the nursing home, not vice versa. Short of being germ-laden yourself or being faced with a loved one’s medical emergency, there’s really no excuse for missing your appointed rounds.
 
That’s how Julia approached her own time at the nursing home, and she taught me to do the same.
 
It was in the autumn of 2013 when Julia headed home to her apartment for the last time. I didn’t really believe she wouldn’t be back again, but she knew; the Lord had whispered it to her heart. We still saw each other fairly often. I’d pick her up for lunch, even bring her to a volunteer party at the nursing home, but she never again walked those halls to visit her old friends. She was failing, physically and mentally. She soon moved in with a son, and our visits and phone calls became less frequent.
 
Around Christmas of 2014, my calls began to go unanswered and unreturned, and in late January a mutual friend from the nursing home called to say she’d seen Julia’s death notice in the local newspaper. It was a blessing, of course; she was home at last, rejoicing in the presence of her Lord and Savior forevermore. She’s more alive than we are now, and I’m sure her new life includes plenty of fellowship with friends and loved ones who've gone before. In that joyful group I include the many residents she called on over the years – most especially my mother. And so I’m eternally happy for Julia, and cannot wait to see her again.
 
But until then, oh, how I miss my dear old friend!

Do you ever feel distracted by the busyness of the Christmas season? Overwhelmed by an increasingly unmanageable To Do list? Left wondering about what happened to the joy you used to feel at this time of year?

If that sounds even remotely familiar, this would be a good time to sit back, relax and listen to the message Chris Carrillo delivered this morning to the residents and friends of Care-age of Brookfield -- a message entitled "God's only forgotten Son." (If you are reading this via an email, please click on the title above and you’ll be taken to the original post, complete with audio link.)  ​

Many thanks to Marcia Washburn, author of Home-Based Eldercare: Stories and Strategies for Caregivers, for allowing me to share this excellent column with you. It appeared earlier this month at www.ChristianFamilyEldercare.org. Her book is free; look for contact information below. 

​I once estimated that during December I added 60-80 hours of additional work to my already busy life as a wife and homeschool mom. Shopping, gift wrapping, baking, entertaining, sending cards, decorating—the list was never-ending. No wonder I breathed a sigh of relief when school routines returned in January.

Add to that the challenge of caring for an older relative and the holiday season may be more dreaded than anticipated. Yet many of us pressure ourselves to do everything we have always done through the holidays—after all, it’s “tradition”!

Instead, let’s spend some time thinking and praying about what would make this year’s Christmas celebration honoring to the Lord and refreshing for everyone in your family. What if we focus on Him as we celebrate this year? After all, "holiday" is rooted in the words "Holy Day."

Considerations

First, prayerfully decide which traditions are the most important to you and your family. Focus on the simple joys of Christmas—hit the “Delete” button on perfectionism.
 
As much as possible, maintain your normal routines with regular meal times and naptimes. Your loved one likely does not have the stamina to be constantly on the go, so choose activities wisely. Try to space them out over the season so you don’t have back-to-back events.

Perhaps this is not the year to see the annual production of the The Nutcracker, or to send handwritten Christmas cards. Maybe you could compromise, viewing the ballet on television and sending email Christmas letters this year. (Confession: one year I sent our annual family newsletter at Easter and no one unsubscribed, or marked it “Return to Sender.”)

Traveling

This may not be your best year to host the whole family for Christmas. Then again, if your loved one has dementia, it may be easier to host them in your home than to travel with them. Families often find that Alzheimer patients become very confused and fearful when taken out of their normal environment.

One woman told about taking her father to visit out-of-state relatives. When they arrived at the hotel for the night, he told his wife and daughter, “You girls had better take me home. My mother wouldn’t like me being here in this place with you.”

The trip had so disoriented him that he didn’t recognize his wife and daughter and was certain they were up to no good. They took turns staying awake through the night to be sure that he wouldn’t try to leave. Needless to say, that was the last trip they made with him.

Decorations

As you think about Christmas decorations, consider safety issues for your elder. Watch for tripping hazards from electric cords, rearranged furniture to accommodate the tree, and things she might mistake for food if she is a dementia patient.

If she is able, invite her to help you decorate. My mother-in-law enjoyed setting up her ceramic Nativity set the first year she lived with us, but now, four years later, we don’t dare set it out for fear she will break it while playing with it.

Also think about how much decorating you really want to do this year. Maybe a wreath, a table centerpiece, or a small tree will suffice during this season of caregiving. There will be other times in the future when you can display all of your Christmas “pretties” again.

Entertaining

If you decide to host the holiday meal, simplify the menu, including foods that can be made in advance. Ask guests to bring the side dishes. This is not the year to put on an elaborate magazine-perfect spread that requires lots of last-minute assembling.

Consider what foods your loved one will like and can eat with a minimum of assistance. If necessary, ask someone to cut up her food in the kitchen and assist her at the table so you are free to be the hostess.

Plan what clothes she can wear that will make her feel festive; or perhaps she will just wear a Christmas pin or necklace for everyone to comment on. Be sure you have a change of clothes in case she needs them.

Houseguests

Avoid moving your elder to a different bedroom, even if you need the space for houseguests. Let the younger folks be flexible to show her honor. She will have enough changes to cope with during their stay and she will need a place of retreat for peace and quiet and naps. Join her if you need to. ☺

Teach your children and grandchildren to use their inside voices when indoors. This shows honor for Grandma’s needs and teaches them self-control even when they are excited to see their cousins again.

Teach the children how to interact with Grandma. Set a timer for one hour and choose a different child each time to offer her a drink of water. This is a win-win: they learn to serve and Grandma doesn’t get dehydrated, possibly spending Christmas in the emergency room after fainting.

When you are alone with your elder, let her know that she isn’t the only one that gets tired of the activity that young children bring into a home. Put a positive spin on having the grandchildren there: “I love to have the children here, but I won’t miss the racket.” Point out a little one who is doing something endearing saying, “Isn’t she cute when she does that?” Your positive responses will make it easier for her to enjoy the new busyness of the household.

Gifts

Consider having your elder open her gifts first while she’s fresh. If she gets tired or the noise is too much for her, she can retreat to her room while the rest of the family finishes opening their gifts. Help her give gifts, too, even if you have to do the shopping.

One caregiver places a $5 bill in an envelope for each great-grandchild. Great-Grandma holds them in a basket and the children come to her to receive their gifts. They return to give her hugs after opening their envelopes. This is easy on the caregiver and easy on Great-Grandma’s bank account—she has twelve great-grandchildren!

People often wonder what to get for an elderly person and they may be asking you, her caregiver, for suggestions. Here are some ideas:

• Lotion or personal care products.
• Comfortable clothing or nightwear in her favorite color.
• Experience gifts: tickets to see a show or concert. Consider a matinee when she is more rested.
• Gift certificates to her hairdresser or a favorite restaurant.
• Certificate promising weekly or monthly visits with her.
• Write and perform a song or poem just for her.
• Magazine subscriptions.
• If your loved one has a dementia disorder such as Alzheimer’s, visit Best-Alzheimers-Products.Com for ideas.

Ask the Lord to give you creative ideas for celebrating with your family. Perhaps you can continue your family traditions, but change when you enjoy them. Or maybe you will drop some traditions during this season of caregiving. Be thoughtful and intentional as you plan for Christmas and other holidays. Christmas isn’t a duty: it’s a delight! Don’t allow yourself to get grim about it—God intends for you to enjoy the season, too. Have a Blessed Christmas!

© 2016 by Marcia K. Washburn, author of Home-Based Eldercare: Stories and Strategies for Caregivers available at ChristianFamilyEldercare.org. Request a free copy of her downloadable ebook, Managing the Holidays, at marcia@marciawashburn.com.

I watched “The Trip to Bountiful” (1985) this week on TCM – the third or fourth time I’ve seen it. And I came away from it realizing anew what may be the second-greatest gift we can give the elderly.
 
In case you haven’t caught it yet, here’s the story line:
 
Living in 1940s Houston with her son and daughter-in-law, 70-something Carrie Watts (Geraldine Page) has just one wish to fulfill before she dies: visiting her childhood home in a town called Bountiful. Son Ludie (John Heard) is too busy trying to make a living for them to take her there himself, and his wife Jessie Mae (Carlin Glynn) is too busy pursuing her own little pleasures to care. So Mrs. Watts takes the matter into her own hands, escaping by Greyhound bus to the closest stop. It’s 10 p.m. when they arrive, and pitch black outside. She decides to sleep on a bench in the nearly empty bus station, and then to walk the last 12 miles to Bountiful in the morning.
 
Alas, she’s found out, and the local sheriff is under orders to hold her until Ludie can get there to pick her up.  
 
While they wait, the kind-hearted sheriff decides to take Mrs. Watts to Bountiful. There’s not much left – just a few abandoned structures. Her childhood home, too, is a ruin, but the sheriff settles her on an upturned crate at the crumbling front porch and talks with her gently for a few minutes before leaving her alone with her memories. We walk through the house with her, knowing that she sees more than we do, so much more than this empty shell of a home. And she is in fact restored by the visit. She returns to Houston with her son and daughter-in-law, peacefully and finally at peace.
 
This was the first time I’d seen this movie as a Christian, and oh, what a difference a worldview makes! Mrs. Watts is clearly a believer. Hymns are the sound track of her life, and she turns to her battered Bible throughout her journey. She knows her time on earth is limited, but doesn’t seem to be disturbed in the least by her mortality; she knows that she will spend forever in heaven with her Savior. I remember weeping inconsolably over this movie in the past. But not this time; I shed a few tears, but they were tears of joy and longing for eternity, not of despair or bitterness.
 
There were two things that really struck me about “Bountiful” this time around.
 
First, there’s what the movie reveals about our relationship to time as we age.  
 
We see that Mrs. Watts has little thought of the present, or of her remaining time in this world. Instead, she has an all-consuming longing to revisit her distant past, perhaps as a touchstone on her way to eternity.
 
We see that Jessie Mae, on the other hand, has no thought of anything but today, of her present comfort and pleasures. Sadly, I can identify with such shallowness; she reminds me of myself before I encountered the living God.
 
And then we see Ludie, stuck somewhere in between. While he’s sympathetic to his mother’s memories, he refuses to join her on this sentimental journey of hers. He has focused his heart and mind on today, because thinking of the past is painful.
 
“I should have made myself bring you out here sooner,” he says when he finally catches up with her at the old house. “I’m sorry. I just thought it’d be easier, if we didn’t see the house again.”
 
Then, rejecting her invitation to look around: “I don’t see any use in it. I’d rather remember it like it was.”  Except we know that people who say such things go to great lengths to forget, burying their memories beneath an avalanche of activity and entertainment. We know that Ludie is like this, that he keeps a tight leash on his memories.
 
A bit later, as he reflects on his failure to make a good life for his wife and mother, Ludie admits it.  “Mamma, I lied to you,” he says. “I do remember – I remember so much. This house, this life here, the night you woke me up and dressed me and took me for a walk when the moon was full and I cried ‘cause I was scared and you comforted me.
 
“Mamma, I want to stop remembering. It doesn’t do any good, remembering.”
 
And in a way, he’s right. Nothing on this earth can compete with the memory of past joy. Only the promise of eternal joy can eclipse it.
 
The second thing that struck me about my latest viewing of “The Trip to Bountiful” is related: Perhaps the second-best thing we can do for the elderly is to help them go home again, if only in their thoughts. 
 
I’ve done this somewhat instinctively in my nursing-home visits, I suppose, but selfishly; I love hearing about life in the pre-WWII U.S., and seeing pictures from that era, and learning about the people who were dear to my aging friends. It never occurred to me that they might get even more pleasure than I do out of talking about these things.
 
But thanks to this phenomenal movie and wonderful performances by Geraldine Page and John Heard, I can see that it would be so.  From now on, I’ll make a point of helping them focus on the good ol’ days instead of wasting words on the bad ol’ here and now -- after, of course, sharing the best gift of all with them, which is the gospel of Jesus Christ.
 
In the meantime, I may just go back and visit Bountiful once more. If you’d like to see it, for the first time or the tenth, look for it here on youtube.com.

And it shall be, when you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the mulberry trees, then you shall advance quickly. For then the Lord will go out before you to strike the camp of the Philistines.” 2 Samuel 5:24
 
I once knew an elderly woman who never made a move without asking God for His direction. She dressed in the morning based on what she thought was His leading. She made her way through the grocery store asking for His advice on what kind of cereal or soup she should buy. She consulted Him on which news broadcast she should listen to at the end of the day, and what time she should go to bed.
 
Some might see that as a little excessive. Maybe so, but somehow I think it probably pleased Him.  
 
After all, we are prone to do just the opposite, as Chris Carrillo pointed out in a recent message to those gathered for the Christian Music Hour at Care-age of Brookfield – to leave Him out of even major decisions.
 
Entitled “Are you listening to the mulberry trees?” Chris’s message provided us with ample biblical reminders of how critical it can be to seek God’s counsel in humble prayer, and to await His answer – and how disastrous it can be to simply plunge ahead, doing what seems right in our own eyes.
 
“Let’s cultivate a habit of inquiring of the Lord and waiting for His answer,” Chris said. “The more that we seek direction from God in prayer, the more we desire to know His will, the more He is honored and the more we are blessed.”
 
If that sounds like a good reminder to you, I invite you to invest a quarter hour in listening to this terrific message. (If you are reading this via an email, please click on the post title above and you’ll be taken to the original post, complete with audio link.)  ​