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Is this the last time?

9/27/2018

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From now on, I’m going to try to treat every parting as if it’s the last time I’ll see that person on this earth -- because it may well be.

I met R. when her husband was a resident at the nursing home where I hang out. He was a dear, and she was instantly one of my favorite people ever. She was funny, sharp, compassionate, well-informed, loving, grateful, nuts about dogs and cats, a small-business woman with a keen understanding of the challenges entrepreneurs face. All this in a tiny little 80-something frame. 

R. and I became friends, growing especially close after her husband died. We talked at great length over the phone, and saw each other every now and then – less often than I would’ve liked, but she rarely felt up to visits or outings. 

I last saw R. on a mid-July day, when I took her to see her eye doctor. As usual, we had a great time every step of the way. She was greeted with great delight by both the doctor and his staff; she always made them laugh, and that day was no exception. Afterwards, we had lunch at her favorite restaurant, the Peach Garden – a dark little place with the best (and cheapest) Chinese food I’ve ever had. She had egg foo young; I had cashew chicken; we each took half our meals home; and she insisted on picking up the tab.

When we got back to her house, she invited me in for a piece of cake that she’d bought especially for the occasion. She didn’t insist, because she knew I had work to do, but she was so hoping that I’d have time for dessert – how could I refuse? It was Pepperidge Farm lemon cake, light and delicious, and we chatted away about her beloved cat, about the feral cats outside and a tree that she wanted to have removed, and as always about the Lord Jesus Christ. I tried to put our dishes in the dishwasher but as always she insisted I leave them for her. And then I hugged her good-bye and headed back to whatever was awaiting me in my home office. 

She didn’t walk me to the door this time. I remember being glad that she was resting after what had been a pretty full day for her. 

We talked on the phone a number of times throughout the rest of that summer. We couldn’t go out; she wasn’t feeling up to it, but she’d let me know just as soon as she was back on her feet and then we’d go back to the Peach Garden. Maybe next week, or the week after. 

We last talked via voice mail in early September, playing a rousing game of phone tag. But the following week she didn’t call me back. I phoned another time or two, leaving messages, and started wishing that I had the name and phone number of the niece who was her loving caretaker.  

And then one Sunday, I picked up the local paper's death notices and instead of starting with “A” as usual, flipped to the last page – and was at once stunned and not at all surprised to see R.’s picture, and the obituary she’d had me edit for her some months earlier. 

Her niece called me the next morning. R. had suffered what sounded like a massive stroke. She’d been hospitalized for five days, unresponsive and beyond the help of medical science, and had died just three days ago.

I wish I’d known. They say people in comas can often hear, even if they can’t respond. And the hospital where she spent her final days is less than 10 minutes from here. I could have spent some time with her, talking with her about all the little things that always seemed to interest her so, and about the big things as well. I could have read her some wonderful passages from the Bible, including the one from 2 Corinthians 4 that we used to close her obituary:

“For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

Imagine, a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, and dear R. is now experiencing it! And I am left to regret that we never had a proper good-bye. Which is why I’m going to try, from now on, to treat every farewell as if it’s the last one for a time, until that joyful reunion in a land where “there’ll be no parting, beyond the sunset forevermore.” 
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How will future generations handle being widowed?

9/12/2018

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There’s one characteristic shared by nearly all elderly women living in American nursing homes – and that’s the fact that most are widows.

The statistics are there for anyone to see: Our men are living to an average age of 76; women, to 81. And women usually marry men who are two or three years older than we are. Ergo, most of us wives  are likely to outlive our husbands by a number of years.

I think about this fact often when I visit my friends at what my mom called "the old ladies' home." These women are my heroes. They have survived what must surely be one of life’s greatest trials -- losing not just their mates and their caretakers but even their identities, as Joe's wife became Joe's widow.

Some, however, are spared the worst of it. And guess what: It's not those independents with feminist leanings, but those who count themselves children of God. 

These, in fact, are the widows who seem to have recovered most successfully from their losses, in my experience. Sure, they miss their husbands greatly and speak of them fondly. They keep pictures on their night tables and walls to remind themselves of their happy lives together. And they are definitely looking forward with great delight to their impending heavenly reunions.

But for the time being, they are positioned solidly in the present, living new lives  sans spouse, and gratefully accepting whatever help they need from their brothers and sisters in Christ. 

I remember wondering about this before I became a Christian myself: How do you do that? How do you face tomorrow without your beloved companion at your side? Which is why I look at these women with awe, knowing that they have gone through this dark tunnel and somehow came out the other end smiling.

I remember my mother saying, after my dad’s death at age 59, that she had now turned the page to a new chapter in her life. She didn’t say that right away, of course; it took some months for her to heal enough to view her life in those terms. But she did ultimately say it, and mean it, and live it. 

I wonder how well the women of my generation will fare in this department. I'm sure the born-again Christians will be fine, but we are a dying breed, according to surveys I've seen over the last decade.  How will the once-happily-married widows who are not born-again manage? 

If the Lord tarries, it's going to be very interesting to find out. ​
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Guest Post: Anticipating and affording your long-term care needs

9/1/2018

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Photo by Jack Finnigan on Unsplash
By June Duncan

There are many reasons why someone would need long-term care, whether it be in the form of in-home nursing care, time at an assisted living facility, or actual nursing home care. As 
US News notes, “people are living longer, but they aren’t necessarily living healthier.” Couple that with accidents that cause disabilities, hereditary disease, and mental decline and you can see why long-term care is an inevitability for over two-thirds of seniors.

Affording Care If You Need It
If you spot risk factors early in your life you can begin to prepare in advance - this is the best method for putting yourself in a position to afford care. Early on, you can begin to put money away for this possibility/inevitability. While simply tucking income away in a savings account is ok, you should diversify with an IRA, 401k, Health Savings Account, and other investments. You should also look into long-term care insurance (but it’s not for everybody).

While Medicare will not cover long-term care, Medicare supplemental insurance like the Humana Medicare Advantage plan can offer help with prescriptions, dental, vision, fitness services, caregiver support, and a 24/7 nursing advice line -- things anyone in long-term care will probably need. It’s important to learn about Medicare open enrollment so you know all the crucial details, such as when to sign up (October 15 to December 7) and what’s required to do so.

If you fail to store enough away early on and the sudden need for long-term care arises, there are still things you can do. This includes steps like taking a reverse mortgage on your home, activating illness riders on a current insurance policy and cashing out your life insurance policy.

How to Know If You’ll Need Long-Term Care
Very few people can predict, with absolute certainty, whether they will need some sort of long-term care. But there are factors that make it much more likely. These include:

  • Being a woman
  • Being over 65
  • Smoking, heavy alcohol use, and drug abuse
  • Family history of illness
  • Mental decline (Alzheimer’s)
  • Chronic health conditions
  • Serious illness
  • Disability and/or mobility issues
  • Lack of close family support

If you check one or more of these boxes, it may be smart to begin to plan for eventual long-term care. But even if you (smartly) begin to plan, there are lifestyle changes and other measures you can undertake to reduce your chances of needing long-term care. A good diet, proper exercise, and reducing your intake of unhealthy chemicals (nicotine and alcohol) can help you prevent illness and decline.

Another crucial focus should be on preventing falls as you age. Nothing increases your chances of needing nursing care more than a major spill. Dealing with vision issues and getting fitted for a walking aid can help. So can home modifications like ramps, handrails, grab bars, non-slip floor replacements, and increased lighting in dimmer areas.

Will you need long-term care? The statistics say it is probable. So consider your risk factors, take stock of your lifestyle choices, and begin to plan financially.

About the author

June Duncan is the co-creator of Rise Up for Caregivers, which offers support for family members and friends who have taken on the responsibility of caring for their loved ones. She is author of the upcoming book, The Complete Guide to Caregiving: A Daily Companion for New Senior Caregivers. 
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    Kitty
    Foth-Regner

    I'm a follower of Jesus Christ, a freelance copywriter, a nursing-home volunteer, and the author of books both in-process and published -- including
    Heaven Without Her.

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